There's No Planning Hype

People talk about how they wish people would stop hounding them about wedding stuff. They say that every which-way they turn there's someone telling them they need to do such-and-such because "that's just how it is." Or there's someone who wants them to plan a certain way, or have certain things, or this or that, yada yada yada. I have not been so "blessed." The most hounding I get from people is from some wedding planning websites who keep sending me emails, and invites to wedding expos the weekend after they happen. Yes, the other day I did have a good friend of mine ask how it was going and offer assistance. But this was a friend whom I hadn't seen in a year. There was no "You should do this, because..." It was honest and friendly. Beyond that; NO one seems to want to talk about it, unless I bring it up. Even then, it just seems like they're just tolerating me. It may be just my imagination, but I do feel that I'm the only one thinking about this wedding at all. It kind of feels like no one wants it to happen. Either that, or they just don't think it will. And now I'm starting to think the same. The more and more we put off talking about and planning the wedding, for reasons such as this, that, and the other, the more and more we get closer to nothing being set in stone. I really hate the fact that I've started thinking of already having my wedding dress as a bad thing, and a setback. Why on earth should that disappoint me? Probably because I don't think anyone believes I can do it. They don't think I can plan a wedding and pull it off. And if they don't believe I can do it, they actually just don't believe in me. I don't want to plan something just to prove "them" wrong. I guess the truth seems to be that I don't believe it'll happen. I don't believe in me.

Bouquet Alternatives?

Ever had an issue, that you didn't know was an issue, until you started talking about it? I was talking to my dad the other day, mostly just rambling on about this, that, and the other, and I told him I'd asked my BFF's mom to help me make paper flowers. Actually; she volunteered for the job. Any job. That's what I needed done, so I sent her all the information I had, pictures of the ones I had made and didn't hate and our colors. I also told my dad that I had her stop. Of course he had to go and ask me why. So I had to reflect. Originally I had her stop because I was upset at life, and circumstances didn't let me believe that we were even going to be able to have the wedding I've been planning. I'm mostly over that now. If the crisis has been averted, why can't she start again? Well... I'm not sure what the flowers would be for. Decorations was my plan for them, and bouquets. But I don't think I want a bouquet. It seems completely useless to me. Why do I need a bouquet? My dad was kind enough to google it for me and found that way back, I think he said as early as the 1500's (don't quote me on that), brides would carry flowers for luck. They would toss the bouquets to pass the luck onto their guests. There were also the results he found about annual baths being in May, so couples would get married in June and as a precaution, would carry flowers and herbs to mask the smell. He read off several different search results and the consensus is that bouquets carried by brides are for either luck or smell. Since I bathe on the regular, and I don't believe in luck; I still don't want to carry a bouquet. Then my dad's friend wrote to me and said something along the lines of it being something to hold in your hands as you walk down the aisle. I must say; I totally see her point. But I still don't like the idea of a traditional bouquet. Not that paper flowers are traditional at all. I wish there was something else I could do with my hands. Or there was something else to carry. Something more practical.

On Renegade Opinioning

You know what I hate?! When plans get thwarted. Not only do you not get the carry out your plans, you look like a big, fat, stupid liar to those you told your plans to. I didn't mean to let my plans get thwarted. I am probably more upset than you, that I'm not able to do them any more. I wish it wasn't working out this way, but seriously, sometimes life happens. Sometimes life happens a little more often to some people. Sometimes It's a bit more cruel than it is to others. Regardless of the reasons or circumstances, life has been happening to me. And there is no doubt in my mind that people are forming opinions about me, based on how my plans keep changing. Why is that, you ask? Because these people whom I think are opinioning, are the same people who opinion about other people in my presence. The same exact reason why I am almost 100% certain that my old boss has talked unjust trash about me. She talked trash about my predecessor. This whole thing, the thwarting of plans and reneging of promises, it lets you know people a bit better. It shows you who you can really trust and count on. And who you shouldn't tell your secrets to. It shows you who you were right about choosing as your friends. It also helps you figure out what it is you really want. Or the opposite; it lets you know that you don't know what you want at all. I've been in the boat of not knowing what I want for a long time. But there are certain things that I put a lot of energy into accomplishing. I set goals and some of those goals have been trod upon. Though they were goals I set out of logic and necessity, I'm thoroughly upset that I can no longer travel the path I was on, towards attaining them. If I truly do want them, I am going to have to change coarse, compromise, and figure out what parts of my goals I can let go of, and what parts of them I actually do want. My problem now is having No idea how to figure out what I really do want. How do I differentiate between what I want because I want it, and what I want because I think I'm supposed to want it...

Thinking Over Thinking

Sometimes I think I go overboard and think my way into a mess. Other times I'm grateful for my over thinking habits. I can't think of any instances at the moment that have been particularly beneficial from it, but I'm sure it's happened. Most of the time I think it doesn't really effect anyone but myself, and even there, it's neither bad, nor good. I'm trying to decide what my blogging would be classified as. Not that it matters, but I've thought my way into a bunch of different types of blogs for different purposes, which can all be found in one central location. There's nothing particularly wrong with that. I suppose it's beneficial to have a specific place for a specific group of types of thoughts. It's also befitting for those, if any, who would choose to read only one type of content, could, in fact, do just that. For instance; if someone who's found me via YouTube, and wants to find out more about my fitness journey from one of my fitness videos; they may not be so inclined to read about my crunchy exploits. Though, if they do find themselves interested, there is definitely a way to find those posts, by way of my blog hub at Raw Ceeyena. So far, I cannot see a cataclysmic hole in my scheme, but I may be missing something. Of course, with the example of the fitness journey, that points now rather moot, as I've replaced my fitness blog with a healthy living blog, which does include some crunch things, or at least it will as it progresses. Though, any former posts in my old fitness blog can still be found and shouldn't be going anywhere any time soon. On another hand; having so many different specific type blogs is forcing me to think ahead a bit when I'm going to post. If content leaks over from one to another because I'm one person and not several; I have to consider whether or not to link to a related post or not. As well as remember which post that was. I also have to filter (choose to) the content that I talk about in any specific blog and focus more on a different aspect of what I'm talking about, dependent on which one I'm writing for. Unless however the blog in question is this one; and I can talk about whatever I so choose because it's just a general log, and nothing too specific, other than about me and my life. I guess I'll know if I've over thought it, when I think my way into a self calculating spreadsheet that I won't be able to decipher in a months time... We'll see.