Friday, May 10, 2013

Getting Back In Wisconsin.

Yesterday was a very long day. My first flight was at 11 out of LAX, but I got dropped off super early because Puese had to work at least part or the day. Then I had a 4 and a half hour layover in Denver. I had the forethought to find a book at the airport bookstore. I was fortunate enough to find a book that I was at least wanting to read, so I didn't have to peruse too hardcore. Plus; I'd already read the first three books by Tana French, so I was happy to see they had the fourth. Despite my thinking ahead though, I didn't actually get much reading done. I cannot read on airplanes, I get this nasty motion sickness, so I was only able to read on level ground. But even then, I had a lot of phone calls to make because my few plans were falling into disarray as the day wore on. And other plans hadn't actually been made yet. After that was all sorted out, and my second flight for underway, at some point, my arrival got delayed by more than a half hour. Maybe it had something to do with the rain that fell everywhere yesterday. Either way, with yet another plan change, my cousin and her date came to collect me from the Airport. Since they were cutting a chunk out of their date for my sake, we all went back to his place and watched half a movie. In hindsight, it's all very strange. But then again; it all worked out. It was sometime around 2am that we pulled into my aunts house where I got to sleep on the couch in the living room. 

Fast forward to this morning; I can't use the bathroom. My aunt has a giant Great Dane. I mean huge. Great Danes are big dogs, and he may be the tallest one I've ever met. Last time I saw him he continuously tried to kno I me over, and I've seen evidence if the physical damage he's done to others with his mass. Well, he was blocking the downstairs bathroom. And the upstairs bathroom is basically out of Commission. So after fretting for a while I got up the courage to step over his gate and into the bathroom. To my great pleasure, he was well behaved, and only stood there go ing me funny looks as I snuck past to the bathroom. I wish I could have just gotten the whole showering thing out of the way then, but alas it was not to be. I didn't have any hair care products, and I didn't want to use anything too different from the types of products I have been using. So I got my shoes back on. (Didn't have to change as I was still wearing the same thing I'd flown in). Then I made my way down the street to make my purchases. Let me just say this; it is a bitter cold out there. The facts of the matter are, I just flew in from Southern California. I am now in southeastern Wisconsin. The temperature difference from there to the 43 degrees that is here, is drastic to my body. I'm cold. It bites. 

I found out as well, today, that I don't have to be anywhere for anyone at all. So after showering, doing my hair and makeup, wasting time, and reading some of that book I bought; I realized I hadn't eaten more than a handful of leftover trail mix, and was therefore hungry. I am now at Jimmy Johns writing this, and desperately not wanting to go back outside. It's so cold, and I don't have anything to do. I hope the rest of this trip isn't like this. Especially if I'm going to have to stay here. 


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Trial Run Packing

As of right now, I am planning on going and staying for as long as I need to. It may turn out sooner or later that I will come back. This means that I have to prepare myself for the possible eventuality of not coming back. I'm doing a trial run-through of packing today, one week before I have to do the actual thing. I am wearing what I am (as of right now) planning to wear on the plane. It doesn't look, right now, as if all this junk will fit. Mostly because I know there are things not pictured because I recently used them and they're dirty, or I didn't want to pick through them yet (ie: underwear and socks). I'm hoping to avoid the whole; get there and be missing things scenario. Of course, there are things I'm planning on NOT traveling with, that I will pick up there (ie: Shampoo, Conditioner, etc) though I am taking my deodorant.

 I have to take ALL of these shoes. The teal heels are possibly my wedding shoes, so I'd like to have them with me at my dress fitting. The nude heels are the shoes I'm supposed to wear with my bridesmaid dress at my friend's wedding. They fit when I bought them, but upon trying them on again yesterday when I was trying to alter the dress, they were a bit snug... otherwise, I can wear either pair of heels with any of my suit stuff, I don't think it'd be space effecient to bring a third pair of dress shoes. Plus; I don't know which pair I'd take since my flats dies the day I bought the nude heels. The ballet shoes are for dance, they don't take up too much space. The brown sandals fit me better than my black ones, and are more comfy, plus they also don't take up too much space. The Newbalance are for exercise. I am hoping against hope that I will be able to exercise quite a bit, since I've not been able to recently. The black ones are my everyday shoes. Though, I can only wear them with one of my pairs of jeans... But I have to have shoes, can't wear sandals all the time.

I'll be taking both of my suits, since I'm supposed to be finding work while I'm there. I've collected a pile of three tops that can work with either suit and my teal shoes. One of those shirts can go with my slacks and/or my nude shoes. Also; I've got three other nice shirts and a sweater that are suitable with either suit and my slacks with either nude or teal shoes. They also work well with jeans. I'm also bringing two cardigans. The black one should probably be retired, but I like it too much. I'm also bringing my green one (it's under the black one.) They both go with the slacks but can be worn with jeans, or instead of suit jackets. The thing in the bag is the bridesmaids dress... I'm also taking a strapless bra for it. (damn thing takes up so much space... for one use. Poo!) I'm also taking the bra beneath it, and the one I'm wearing. I may also take the one that's currently on my dress form. The 4 rolled up tanks can go under any of my v-neck shirts, I may end up taking more than just four, but haven't decided on the colors I'd need.

The pile of clothes in the top corner are my workout clothes, sans what I wore when I was doing laundry the other day. I have three shirts, a jacket, and 3 pairs of pants (I also have 4 sports bras). I grabbed all of my hair dye, since I payed for it. As of right now, I'm still planning on keeping it colored. Granted; right now it's royal blue, and is supposed to be teal, but I have hope that after I wash it a couple more times, It'll fade a bit. I also brought in my hair straightener, deodorant, and hair brushes, as well as my baggy for bobby pins and jewlery. I have not filled it up correctly yet, but it's good for a placeholder. I'll be using a new toothbrush, which I have to get. Like I said before, I'll be getting my shampoo and conditioner when I get there (which means I have to plan out when my hair needs to be washed between now and then.) I can also pick up face wash if I need to. But I may just fill a travel size container of my oil to wash my face with. Also not pictured are my hair towel, bath towel, and washcloth. They are wet because I used them. Though I am considering not taking a bath towel and crossing my fingers that I still have one at my dad's. Below my exercise clothes is pajamas. I'm only taking two shirts and two pants. I hope that's enough, I also hope that I won't need anything warmer. I'll probably end up taking a hoodie. Next to that is my casual shirts. Next to that is my two pairs of pants and my one pair of cut offs. They're kinda like shorts, they're cut off right above the knee. One pair of my pants is far too long, and have to be worn rolled up. Which sucks. The other pair are slightly too big, but also a smidge too short. Which also sucks, but seeing as they're the only two pairs of pants that I own that even partially fit me right now, they'll have to work.

I'm also bringing my laptop, my 3DS, my cell phone, my tripod, and the camera I used to take this picture. I'm also going to take some exercise DVD's, and all the power cords required for all that stuff. I'll have to also locate my headphones, which I just thought of. All of this, plus the above mentioned will be going into these two suitcases and my computer bag. I will also take a sketchbook and some pencils. I don't think I'll fit my colored pencils, or my drawing pad.
    
 I don't think I've missed anything important. I have a travel size tooth brush. I'll have to figure out something to do about makeup... I think I still have a travel bag for things like that. I do have to go through and figure out what jewelry I'll be wearing for my friend's wedding, and if I own anything suitable to wear with my wedding dress. I'm also planning on taking my unopened bag of Shakeology, and should also take the mixing bottle I have for that. Oh yeah! I have to take my purse. I can probably put all essential items in my laptop bag and pack my physical purse somewhere so I don't have an extra item. If I do this all right, I'll have one checked bag (the bigger one), one carry on (the smaller one), and a personal item (the laptop bag)... Now i just have to remember to breathe, not freak out, fit it all in these bags, and then pack up all of my other belongings and add them to the storage upstairs. (deep breaths) Ommigawd! Do I need a jacket?!








EDIT:
I always forget that I'm an expert packer... I got ALL of my clothes (sans suit jackets and bridesmaids dresses, socks and underwear) into the small suitcase. Everything else fit into the big one with more than enough space for all the un-pictured items plus a few more. I even got my tripod in there... I didn't even have to use the extra space with the zipper expansion thingy, meaning the small one will even fit in an overhead compartment. Now I'm thinking I should take my backpack instead of my laptop bag, and just pack differently... I probably won't do that though. However, I do have enough space to roll up my backpack super small and take it... Hold up, I have to remember to take my duffel bag for laundry. But I'm feeling much better about this now. Just have to pack up ALL of the rest of my belongings now... I dun wanna. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Should I stay when I go? Or come back?

Many of you may have noticed that I am NOT currently living in Wisconsin. Yes, Puese and I had planned on moving there after we visited last year. But then life happened and plans changed, and we're still in Southern California. Well, an interesting prospect has cropped up recently, and I'm now torn about what to do. In a month's time, I will be in Wisconsin for a friend's wedding. For financial and planning reasons, we've not purchased my flight home yet. The other day; Puese presented me with this option: What if I stayed? Of course I immediately started thinking in this direction. All the possibilities, all the pros and cons, have been whirring through my brain since then. And each option has it's pros and cons. There are however, many variables that would need to be made constant in order to choose, or would be made a constant by that choice.
If I were to stay out there, I would have to start looking for a place to live, and a job. I personally know that I wouldn't be able to afford or get into anyplace with a contract of any sort. (Thank you student loans for my terrible credit score!). With not having a place to stay for a visit yet, this is a detail that would cause me great stress. Also; I would only have with me what I take out there on the plane. Meaning I would need to bring ALL of the necessary necessities for getting a job and living day to day. I'd have to be extremely prepared to live a minimalistic lifestyle for an undisclosed amount of time. Even if I were to get a good job and find a place to live, I'd have no furniture or wares. Plus, I'd have no sewing machine, printer, large drawing pads, probably not my colored pencils. I'd take my laptop, of course. I know that drawing pads and things of that nature can all be purchased there, but if I'm expected to live a minimalistic lifestyle, that also would require me to spend as little money as possible. I'd really be challenging myself to continue on with my creative challenge.
There's also the concern of which state would I try to find a life in? I suppose that depends on where I can stay for the immediate time while I look for these other things. But I'd also need to work that out before we go. Basically that decision would boil down to where Puese want to live after we get married. Which brings me to the point of the decision making. If I were to stay, we'd have a set time for when we'd be living there by. We'd both be out there by September.
The other option of course if for me to come back. If we did that; nothing of our current plans would change. We'd be in SoCal until January of next year at the earliest, and our wedding would be treated like a destination wedding. This plan works. It brings in more money in the long run (depending on work I can find) and it's already in motion. But, and this is the kicker for me, it doesn't have a specific end date. And I really don't want to live here forever.
There are of course other small things that I could take into consideration as well (like my sewing machine). For instance; My hair. It's teal. I like it teal, I'd like to keep it teal, but that limits the sort of employment I'd be suitable for. (Because equal opportunity doesn't include strange hair colors). Or how I'd be able to get more onsite wedding planning done. There's also the fact that I won't see Puese for possibly 5 months, to consider. And that level of missing is crazy. I know we could handle it, but it's not something I like to think about. Either way, I leave in 22 days, so I must decide before then. I'd like to be able to decide sooner rather than later so that I have enough time to pack all of my things up in this house, and have them ready for whenever Puese is ready to move them to me.


Monday, March 4, 2013

A Goal for 27

I have been thinking allot lately, with recent events, that life is short, and I've spent a lot of time wasting it. I'm not old yet, but not everyone gets to be old. I'm also no longer considered very young. Plus, Puese and I have been wedding planning. We've been going through these Offbeat Bride worksheets I've found online. The entire process (even without the worksheets) has got me thinking about what I really want. Generally, I still don't know. I feel like I've been making decisions about what I "want" based on what I think I'm supposed to want, or what other people/society/some body else wants me to want. I have come up with a few things that have remained true of me though.

I've always enjoyed all forms of Art. I love dance, and music, painting, and being creative in any which way. None of these things are generally helpful, because it's highly unlikely that they will bring me any monetary gain. Therefore, I should not pursue them, except in extra-curricular ways. But I never really wanted anything else. This is the part where I get to suck it up, and trudge along like everyone else and settle for being mediocre at anything, and not passionate about anything except hobbies. For instance; Choosing Graphic Design as a major was a wise choice because it would bring in more financially. So I told myself I wanted to do it. I made up answers for peoples questions regarding specifics on this matter, and kept pursuing it because I was supposed to. Even if we step further back than that; I chose to go to this college in the first place because it was expected of me to strive for more academically, and try to prove that I could be better... Better than what? Than who I was? Than someone else? Than someone else who wished they'd found themselves in my shoes? In hindsight, I cannot answer these questions anymore. The only logical thing to do is to try and learn from the past, and let it go. Start now, from square one. This brings us to the main narrative, and in so doing; I must try and answer my original questions. What do I want?

Like I said before, I've always enjoyed all forms of art. But no one thing enough to invest myself wholly into it. This was either due to a lack of drive on my part, or something in my upbringing that led me to believe the desired outcome was neigh impossible. Regardless of the previous reasoning, and with all logic put aside; what would I have wanted if the world was my oyster? In this state of open mindedness, there comes a myriad of different things that I've daydreamed of being able to do. Among them are: Being multi-lingual, Playing multiple instruments Recording songs/albums, Choreographing music videos and other dances, Knowing some form of martial arts, designing clothes, making art that people liked, Moving people with film, performing on stage, being able to shoot a bow like Robin Hood, Doing all those things that stunt doubles do (including motorcycle riding, and base jumping... maybe not base jumping), Knowing artisan skills like welding and wood-crafting, Build/rebuild a car... I could probably go on for a while... I understand that not all of these are viable or even at all possible, but some of them are. I have the power to take control of a few, and work towards them.

Starting now, I am doing what I can to be the me that I've always wanted to be. I've committed to a BeachBody Challenge. Puese and I are both eating healthy (as long as it doesn't feel like a diet), and I am exercising every day for at least an hour. By doing this, there is a possibility, that I can work my way back into the realm of possible, to start choreography and dance once again. Recently, I've also started utilizing other resources that have been made available to me, and started learning Spanish. Now, I've never wanted to learn Spanish, but this is a perfect place to start towards becoming multi-lingual. At the beginning of the year, I made a commitment to myself to make at least one creative thing a week. Thus far, I have stuck to that commitment, and in so; I'm exercising my creative juices on a regular basis.

One more thing I've got in my head that I would really like to do is this; Before my 27th year is over, I would like to write, record, choreograph, and film a music video. Since I am only 26, that gives me a little more than 14 months to work with. Why? Why on earth would I want THAT of all things? During my recent reflections, and remembering previous times when I tried to think about what I wanted; This has been the most constant want of them all. Seems pretty specific? Yes, and my vision of it, is a bit more specific than that even.
I'd like to write (co-write/have written for me/still working out the details of this) a song that I'd consider "Epic." Meaning: It starts out nice, and builds accordingly, up to a terrific climax, and then fades back down appropriately. The words of this song would tell some sort of touching story. The choreography/dance, would illustrate these words and be canonized on film. This sounds like a very tall order. But I believe with the right dedication, accountability, direction, and assistance, this project can come to fruition. This is what I want. This is one major thing I want.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Ruiners Help Nothing.

I'm getting really tired of people and their woe is me mentality. Actually it's more of a greater than thou mentality. Either way; the combination of the two is pissing me off. I generally start the day off in a good mood. I am me, and that's okay. You are you, and that's okay. I have my opinions based on my own experiences and life. you have your own that I really don't need shoved down my throat or into my general vicinity at all. I'm more than willing to listen to your reasons and opinions and ideas, but just because YOU had them doesn't make them true or fact for ME. You are not the creator of the universe. And to me, you're not a special little snowflake. You're just a chunk of snow, like everyone else. I would apologize that my opinion offends you because you're too sensitive or in a bad place today, but I'm not sorry. The worst part is I'M not even being offensive. I'm not saying you are bad, or negative, or anything. I'm not even being a negatron on myself. I am either utilizing my own humor or version of irony, for MY pleasure. Not yours. If you don't get it, don't get huffy and ruin my day because you misread, or mistook something I did or said. Besides rants like this one, I rarely (if ever) post anything in a negative light, for negative or injuring purposes.

Long story short: I hate mood ruiners. I'd like it if they kept their opinions to themselves. On the other hand: They are trying their damnedest, but they haven't completely ruined my day.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

There's No Planning Hype

People talk about how they wish people would stop hounding them about wedding stuff. They say that every which-way they turn there's someone telling them they need to do such-and-such because "that's just how it is." Or there's someone who wants them to plan a certain way, or have certain things, or this or that, yada yada yada. I have not been so "blessed." The most hounding I get from people is from some wedding planning websites who keep sending me emails, and invites to wedding expos the weekend after they happen. Yes, the other day I did have a good friend of mine ask how it was going and offer assistance. But this was a friend whom I hadn't seen in a year. There was no "You should do this, because..." It was honest and friendly. Beyond that; NO one seems to want to talk about it, unless I bring it up. Even then, it just seems like they're just tolerating me. It may be just my imagination, but I do feel that I'm the only one thinking about this wedding at all. It kind of feels like no one wants it to happen. Either that, or they just don't think it will. And now I'm starting to think the same. The more and more we put off talking about and planning the wedding, for reasons such as this, that, and the other, the more and more we get closer to nothing being set in stone. I really hate the fact that I've started thinking of already having my wedding dress as a bad thing, and a setback. Why on earth should that disappoint me? Probably because I don't think anyone believes I can do it. They don't think I can plan a wedding and pull it off. And if they don't believe I can do it, they actually just don't believe in me. I don't want to plan something just to prove "them" wrong. I guess the truth seems to be that I don't believe it'll happen. I don't believe in me.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Bouquet Alternatives?

Ever had an issue, that you didn't know was an issue, until you started talking about it? I was talking to my dad the other day, mostly just rambling on about this, that, and the other, and I told him I'd asked my BFF's mom to help me make paper flowers. Actually; she volunteered for the job. Any job. That's what I needed done, so I sent her all the information I had, pictures of the ones I had made and didn't hate and our colors. I also told my dad that I had her stop. Of course he had to go and ask me why. So I had to reflect. Originally I had her stop because I was upset at life, and circumstances didn't let me believe that we were even going to be able to have the wedding I've been planning. I'm mostly over that now. If the crisis has been averted, why can't she start again? Well... I'm not sure what the flowers would be for. Decorations was my plan for them, and bouquets. But I don't think I want a bouquet. It seems completely useless to me. Why do I need a bouquet? My dad was kind enough to google it for me and found that way back, I think he said as early as the 1500's (don't quote me on that), brides would carry flowers for luck. They would toss the bouquets to pass the luck onto their guests. There were also the results he found about annual baths being in May, so couples would get married in June and as a precaution, would carry flowers and herbs to mask the smell. He read off several different search results and the consensus is that bouquets carried by brides are for either luck or smell. Since I bathe on the regular, and I don't believe in luck; I still don't want to carry a bouquet. Then my dad's friend wrote to me and said something along the lines of it being something to hold in your hands as you walk down the aisle. I must say; I totally see her point. But I still don't like the idea of a traditional bouquet. Not that paper flowers are traditional at all. I wish there was something else I could do with my hands. Or there was something else to carry. Something more practical.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

On Renegade Opinioning

You know what I hate?! When plans get thwarted. Not only do you not get the carry out your plans, you look like a big, fat, stupid liar to those you told your plans to. I didn't mean to let my plans get thwarted. I am probably more upset than you, that I'm not able to do them any more. I wish it wasn't working out this way, but seriously, sometimes life happens. Sometimes life happens a little more often to some people. Sometimes It's a bit more cruel than it is to others. Regardless of the reasons or circumstances, life has been happening to me. And there is no doubt in my mind that people are forming opinions about me, based on how my plans keep changing. Why is that, you ask? Because these people whom I think are opinioning, are the same people who opinion about other people in my presence. The same exact reason why I am almost 100% certain that my old boss has talked unjust trash about me. She talked trash about my predecessor. This whole thing, the thwarting of plans and reneging of promises, it lets you know people a bit better. It shows you who you can really trust and count on. And who you shouldn't tell your secrets to. It shows you who you were right about choosing as your friends. It also helps you figure out what it is you really want. Or the opposite; it lets you know that you don't know what you want at all. I've been in the boat of not knowing what I want for a long time. But there are certain things that I put a lot of energy into accomplishing. I set goals and some of those goals have been trod upon. Though they were goals I set out of logic and necessity, I'm thoroughly upset that I can no longer travel the path I was on, towards attaining them. If I truly do want them, I am going to have to change coarse, compromise, and figure out what parts of my goals I can let go of, and what parts of them I actually do want. My problem now is having No idea how to figure out what I really do want. How do I differentiate between what I want because I want it, and what I want because I think I'm supposed to want it...

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Thinking Over Thinking

Sometimes I think I go overboard and think my way into a mess. Other times I'm grateful for my over thinking habits. I can't think of any instances at the moment that have been particularly beneficial from it, but I'm sure it's happened. Most of the time I think it doesn't really effect anyone but myself, and even there, it's neither bad, nor good. I'm trying to decide what my blogging would be classified as. Not that it matters, but I've thought my way into a bunch of different types of blogs for different purposes, which can all be found in one central location. There's nothing particularly wrong with that. I suppose it's beneficial to have a specific place for a specific group of types of thoughts. It's also befitting for those, if any, who would choose to read only one type of content, could, in fact, do just that. For instance; if someone who's found me via YouTube, and wants to find out more about my fitness journey from one of my fitness videos; they may not be so inclined to read about my crunchy exploits. Though, if they do find themselves interested, there is definitely a way to find those posts, by way of my blog hub at Raw Ceeyena. So far, I cannot see a cataclysmic hole in my scheme, but I may be missing something. Of course, with the example of the fitness journey, that points now rather moot, as I've replaced my fitness blog with a healthy living blog, which does include some crunch things, or at least it will as it progresses. Though, any former posts in my old fitness blog can still be found and shouldn't be going anywhere any time soon. On another hand; having so many different specific type blogs is forcing me to think ahead a bit when I'm going to post. If content leaks over from one to another because I'm one person and not several; I have to consider whether or not to link to a related post or not. As well as remember which post that was. I also have to filter (choose to) the content that I talk about in any specific blog and focus more on a different aspect of what I'm talking about, dependent on which one I'm writing for. Unless however the blog in question is this one; and I can talk about whatever I so choose because it's just a general log, and nothing too specific, other than about me and my life. I guess I'll know if I've over thought it, when I think my way into a self calculating spreadsheet that I won't be able to decipher in a months time... We'll see.