I have been thinking allot lately, with recent events, that life is short, and I've spent a lot of time wasting it. I'm not old yet, but not everyone gets to be old. I'm also no longer considered very young. Plus, Puese and I have been wedding planning. We've been going through these Offbeat Bride worksheets I've found online. The entire process (even without the worksheets) has got me thinking about what I really want. Generally, I still don't know. I feel like I've been making decisions about what I "want" based on what I think I'm supposed to want, or what other people/society/some body else wants me to want. I have come up with a few things that have remained true of me though.
I've always enjoyed all forms of Art. I love dance, and music, painting, and being creative in any which way. None of these things are generally helpful, because it's highly unlikely that they will bring me any monetary gain. Therefore, I should not pursue them, except in extra-curricular ways. But I never really wanted anything else. This is the part where I get to suck it up, and trudge along like everyone else and settle for being mediocre at anything, and not passionate about anything except hobbies. For instance; Choosing Graphic Design as a major was a wise choice because it would bring in more financially. So I told myself I wanted to do it. I made up answers for peoples questions regarding specifics on this matter, and kept pursuing it because I was supposed to. Even if we step further back than that; I chose to go to this college in the first place because it was expected of me to strive for more academically, and try to prove that I could be better... Better than what? Than who I was? Than someone else? Than someone else who wished they'd found themselves in my shoes? In hindsight, I cannot answer these questions anymore. The only logical thing to do is to try and learn from the past, and let it go. Start now, from square one. This brings us to the main narrative, and in so doing; I must try and answer my original questions. What do I want?
Like I said before, I've always enjoyed all forms of art. But no one thing enough to invest myself wholly into it. This was either due to a lack of drive on my part, or something in my upbringing that led me to believe the desired outcome was neigh impossible. Regardless of the previous reasoning, and with all logic put aside; what would I have wanted if the world was my oyster? In this state of open mindedness, there comes a myriad of different things that I've daydreamed of being able to do. Among them are: Being multi-lingual, Playing multiple instruments Recording songs/albums, Choreographing music videos and other dances, Knowing some form of martial arts, designing clothes, making art that people liked, Moving people with film, performing on stage, being able to shoot a bow like Robin Hood, Doing all those things that stunt doubles do (including motorcycle riding, and base jumping... maybe not base jumping), Knowing artisan skills like welding and wood-crafting, Build/rebuild a car... I could probably go on for a while... I understand that not all of these are viable or even at all possible, but some of them are. I have the power to take control of a few, and work towards them.
Starting now, I am doing what I can to be the me that I've always wanted to be. I've committed to a BeachBody Challenge. Puese and I are both eating healthy (as long as it doesn't feel like a diet), and I am exercising every day for at least an hour. By doing this, there is a possibility, that I can work my way back into the realm of possible, to start choreography and dance once again. Recently, I've also started utilizing other resources that have been made available to me, and started learning Spanish. Now, I've never wanted to learn Spanish, but this is a perfect place to start towards becoming multi-lingual. At the beginning of the year, I made a commitment to myself to make at least one creative thing a week. Thus far, I have stuck to that commitment, and in so; I'm exercising my creative juices on a regular basis.
One more thing I've got in my head that I would really like to do is this; Before my 27th year is over, I would like to write, record, choreograph, and film a music video. Since I am only 26, that gives me a little more than 14 months to work with. Why? Why on earth would I want THAT of all things? During my recent reflections, and remembering previous times when I tried to think about what I wanted; This has been the most constant want of them all. Seems pretty specific? Yes, and my vision of it, is a bit more specific than that even.
I'd like to write (co-write/have written for me/still working out the details of this) a song that I'd consider "Epic." Meaning: It starts out nice, and builds accordingly, up to a terrific climax, and then fades back down appropriately. The words of this song would tell some sort of touching story. The choreography/dance, would illustrate these words and be canonized on film. This sounds like a very tall order. But I believe with the right dedication, accountability, direction, and assistance, this project can come to fruition. This is what I want. This is one major thing I want.
